You read that right. Jaylean Rae is my little superstar princess. She is doing amazing. She is doing awesome. She is doing fantastic. She has not had an excessive meltdown in over a week. Probably the longest she has gone at home since the honeymoon phase. Her eyes are brighter. She is happier. She is cooperative. She is a joy to be around. It appears that her moods may be more organized and cyclical pointing toward Bipolar or it could be that she is really working very hard on her anger and emotions and doing her very best to accept our love and our help. Or there is no answer for it. We are enjoying the ride while it lasts. We are proud of her.
We are enjoying her. We always love her but right now she is easier to love. She is so important to us. It makes my heart swell to see her happy. To give her a good night kiss that she wants and to hear her say she loves me. To feel her hug where she wraps her arms around my neck and really squeezes. Delightful. It’s like eating dessert before dinner – it’s that good. We as a family have so much more energy and fun without having to fight battles every night with her. We as a family are doing better. Right at this moment I feel like we are all going to be ok. I need this moment. I need to feel ok. I need to feel love for my daughter and feel my own attachment to my daughter. Attachment is a two way street and I would be lying if I said it was only her lack of attachment that is the problem. It’s as much MY lack of attachment to her as it is HER lack of attachment to me. We struggle, she and I. Not a mother daughter struggle but a true relational struggle. It’s painful for me to love on her and hug on her. It comes naturally for me with the boys, I don’t know why. With her it is hard. She needs love and deserves love and sometimes I have to pull up my big girl panties and let them snap, and I have to hug Jaylean when I don’t want to hug her and I need to say “I love you” when I don’t want to say “I love you” – sometimes I just have to do it. Even when I get kicked, spit at, and hit in return. But right now we are good. We are well. We are healthy. We are loving. We feel normal. I am so proud of her. I am so proud of me. I am so proud of Nate and the boys. I am proud of our family.
At this moment, I can say, Jaylean Rae is going to be alright. I hope it sticks.